In a Western society, how have we been wired against stillness and reflection
The Importance of Both
As I was listening to the audiobook, Fierce Self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff, I couldn’t help but see the connection to self-compassion, career transition and find our true purpose.
Dr. Neff is a long-time researcher and author on the topic of self-compassion.
What specifically piqued my interest, as I listened, is how she approached self-compassion with a balance of stillness & achievement. Especially as women, we tend to lean more into the feminine energy (yin energy) of being tender and still. We tend to judge ourselves more harshly when we lean into the more masculine energy (yang energy) when we raise our voices or feel emotion. Yet, both are necessary.
Ideally, they should be in balance, right?
It’s not uncommon for women (and men), I work with to find this path toward a new purpose (career or personal) to be fraught with doubt and confusion.
Most of us have worked in corporate systems that have rewarded us for achievement. That constant achievement allows little time for reflection, thought, creativity, or frankly, individuality.
It’s that tension we hold, as we start to explore the natural need for stillness. Creativity. Rest. Reflection. The stillness that naturally balances achievement.
We all still want to achieve. We just want to achieve differently.
Our Own Self-Compassion
Dr. Neff offers a quiz to assess our own self-compassion. It’s insightful, to say the least. It breaks down our results in how we see and treat ourselves with kindness and empathy vs. how we might treat a friend.
Think about that – are you much nicer to a friend than yourself?
(Me, too)
Why is that?
Dr. Neff shares that in Western society, we may often misinterpret self-compassion with pity or narcissism. Too much self-compassion is looked upon unfavorably, but the right balance can be empowering.
The Research
As a researcher, I appreciate the research approach to self-compassion by Dr. Neff. Her lived experience + research, help us to ground our own examples of self-compassion toward a more resilient life.
Research suggests that living with more self-compassion allows us to be happier, have greater satisfaction, have more self-confidence, hold less shame, manage stress and anxiety in healthier ways. And, it makes sense.
If I can allow myself to pause, reflect and realize that failing does not mean I am a failure, I will move through stressful situations with more ease and care.
Can you think of an example where more self-compassion would have allowed you to spend less negative energy and less time ruminating?
(Me, too)
Three Aspects of Self-Compassion
The three aspects of self-compassion are:
- Mindfulness
- Common humanity
- Self-kindness
Of these, the one that resonates most for me is common humanity. Allowing ourselves to realize we are humans. Humans who make mistakes and experience pain or upset. Yet, rather than ruminating and spiraling downward into a pit of despair, we can acknowledge that we are imperfect. Reflect. Learn. Move on.
As I continue to identify differently in my second career, and perhaps second adulthood, I am beginning to relate to this common humanity for myself more frequently.
Stillness & Achievement
And, that brings us back to stillness and achievement.
I am still trying to redefine what success looks like. That “success” will ultimately redefine achievement.
For me, that success was no longer tied to a job title, salary or bonus.
Yet, as I continued to build my business, my sense of failure kept resorting back to the bottom line. The money.
While it was not ultimately my goal, my worth was still closely tied to it. Even unconsciously. The stillness of reflection and journaling, helped me see this disconnect.
It’s still an issue that’s important to me, but on a different scale.
And it’s all a process.
- How are you defining what success looks like now?
- How would you measure achievement, now?
- How might the past and current definitions differ?
Time for Reflection
Please check out the website above from Dr. Neff for other self-compassion resources.
My blog, The Root offers previous topics related to leadership, transition, change and leading with our strengths to find a greater purpose.
The Rooted Leader Resources
My website, Aspire To Grow, also offers insights on my leadership coaching and professional experience as a scientist and research practitioner. I’d love to connect.
And, if you are interested in quick audio content on leadership, please check out my novice podcast, The Rooted Leader. Episodes include minisode leadership topics, Leader Reflections and soon to release the Leader Journeys including stories of other leaders transitioning with courage and authenticity.
In the minisodes, I do tend to talk a little slowly, so I won’t be offended if you speed it up to 1.2x ❤️🌿🥰
Thank you, and I hope you stay rooted in empathy and authenticity.