Volume 2, Issue 10, Fall 2023
Welcome to Volume 2, Issue 10 of The Root.
In order to support our growth, we require a strong network of roots. They anchor us and serve as a conduit for nutrients to help us develop and deliver on our goals.
This month, I’ll continue to talk about what holds us back. This is from the lens of women’s development, but it could also apply to everyone.
This is my 2nd newsletter talking about how to play big and combat that critical voice with techniques and self-talk that will help you during those moments of doubt.
Each month, I aim to highlight books, articles and/or podcasts related to the chosen topic. I hope you will find helpful information to identify and manage burnout before it overtakes your daily life.
Thank you for following along our journey to Aspire to Grow.
Check us out at www.aspiretogrow.co <the .com domain was taken, but I like to think of it as “.co” for co-create>.
Off the Shelf – My Book Pick (Month 2)
Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create and Lead by Tara Mohr
In Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create and Lead, Tara Mohr provides great guidance and techniques for identify our inner critic voice and ways to overcome this to be our true authentic selves.
This book is amazing with SO many great concepts – too many to summarize in one newsletter. So, if you missed the previous blog, check it out: The Root, Sept 2023, Do You Have An Inner CriticWe discussed the Inner Critic and Listening to our Inner Wisdom. Now, we turn to Fear, Praise and Criticism – and how these show up for us.
Fear
Fear can show up for us in many different ways. In our lives and careers, it can show up as the following: (mental check box by those that resonate with you)
- The feeling that overcomes us when we are in a space bigger than we used to be in (maybe a new promotion? bigger company? new role?)
- The feeling that occurs when you suddenly come into way more energy than you’ve had before (you may be motivated to do something bigger and new, but it’s terrifying)
- What we feel when we are in the presence of the divine (I won’t go into much detail here about this one, but it’s more about “awe” than “fear”).
#2 – it bubbles up for us when we want to leave our comfort zone, we are super excited about a new opportunity to play bigger, but we hold ourselves back.
A coach of mine called this “Putting one foot on the gas and one on the break“. It can hold us back from great things.
I tell my clients: the discomfort (or fear) may be the feeling you have when you start doing something new.
Don’t shy away from it.
Listen to it.
Acknowledge it as “new learning” discomfort.
Keep Going.
But what is this fear about, and how do we work through it?
If the discomfort or fear is in the present moment of doing something new, keep moving. Trust your Inner Wisdom.
If it’s overreactive fear or worst-case scenario hypervigilance fear, try to determine if this is something that SHOULD hijack your brain (are you in danger?) If not, Keep Going.
The Work of Praise and Criticism
Ah, the old work of being a people pleaser.
It impacts many women. We were mostly taught as girls in school, that if we studied hard, got good grades and behaved, we would be showered with awards and praise.
Did you know that most valedictorians are young women?
At a certain point in our career journey (usually once we’ve past the point of individual contributor), this “visibility” of our work goes away. We can work just as hard, with less praise and awards. Many times we wonder, when did the rules change? What’s wrong with me?
To add to this, many of us are afraid of how others perceive us. If I “play bigger”, I will be told I’m pushy, or too assertive. Or worse yet, what if I play bigger and do it wrong?
This leads many women to play it safe.
We often hold back talking about our accomplishments, because we feel uneasy bragging about ourselves, yet it’s our work product we are sharing. These are all ways we self-sabotage our work and minimize its visibility to others.
Another point that comes up for my clients is being stuck by criticism they’ve received in the past. It could have been years ago, or many jobs ago, but if the feeling of criticism was so awful, we might be playing small to forego that feeling again.
If you feel this, name what experience this is from.
Are you the same person?
Is the situation the same?
Or possibly, could the criticism been more about the person providing it than your actions?
Six Reasons We Care About What Others Think
The graphic above is from Playing Big.
Most of us can look at this and shake our heads. Mohr states,
“When we are petrified of criticism or are in need of constant approval, we simply can’t play big. We can’t innovate, share controversial ideas or pursue our unique paths”.
Mic drop.🎤
Mohr lists many ways to remove the chains of praise and criticism, but ones that really connected with me are these:
- Be useful
- Be compassionate
- Be truthful
- Live in my own skin comfortably
- Be true to myself
- Inspire others
- Bring new ideas to reality
- Having dignity
- Making an impact
Here’s hoping you are walking away knowing a little more about your Inner Critic, and the reasons that may be stopping you from Playing Big
Stream On: My Podcast Pick
How Women Inspire with Julie Castro Abrams: Advancing Women in Leadership with Confidence with Ellen Taaffe
This episode of Advancing Women in Leadership with Confidence , Julie Castro Abrams interview Ellen Taaffe, author of The Mirrored Door. Ellen Taaffe is an MBA Professor, an Executive Leadership Coach/Advisor, and a Speaker. She serves as the Director of Women’s Leadership Programs at the Kellogg School of Management. Go ‘Cats 💜!
Going for it – Taking the Risk
One of the biggest take aways for me from this podcast interview, is how Ellen Taaffe indicates that women actually need more COURAGE vs. CONFIDENCE.
How many times have you heard, “you need to be more confident”? Being confident in a room that wasn’t made for us can be difficult. Sometimes, meeting rooms, conferences, calls are made of folks who frankly don’t look like us.
This is where the idea of speaking up with courage, really seemed much more aligned with what I’ve seen, heard and experienced.
More At-Bats
When we do take risks, we may not always win. But, if we take more chances, or a baseball analogy of “more at-bats”, we will certainly start to appear as courageous and find a seat at the table. We also find more comfort over time. More comfort in our skin.
Finding Our Voice
I love it when women share their stories to help other women move forward. They often share stories reflecting on moments when they played small. Taaffe talks about her book, The Mirrored Door. She says, its when we see opportunities, and we look inward with self-doubt, and we hold ourselves back.
Guess what shows up?
- Pleasing others
- Quieting our voices
What’s holding us back? Fear (that’s right (see above ⬆️).
She says we can take smaller risks when the stakes are not so
Continue to do great things 🌿
Over the last year of coaching and leading others, I know that work visibility and doubt keep us from doing the things we are capable of. This is the work that can be uncomfortable for us (and maybe for others), but nothing is easy and comfortable about challenging the status quo and making a difference in this world.
Community and Connection
The Journey, a community I’ve built with others consisting of female leaders over the age of 45 is up and going! We have group chat on topics such as careers, gratitude and daily journal prompts to help us reflect, gain self-awareness and grow into our next phase of Not Done Yet!
We are currently working through the book, “A Call to Further Becoming: The New Declaration from Women Over 50 ” as a way to anchor this stage of our formation.
There are reflective posts (that will be on-going) and live meet-ups. We are creating new connections with women in the US and UK, with our aim to make an impact, support each other, and find a little bit more of ourselves.
If you are interested in learning more, please see the Community Pillars. Learn more about The Journey here. (Coupon code: Journey25) for $25 off the $75 quarterly subscription (we are hosted on the Heartbeat platform). The current cohort quarter ends in December – but it’s not too late to join.
Upcoming topics:
Book Club – Lessons in Chemistry
If you are interested -reach out.
If it’s not your thing, that’s okay, too. One this is for sure; we will challenge and support each other to Play Big!
Sincerely, Kathleen